Experts have confirmed that the enormous glowing reptile orbiting your skull is not making you look mysterious, powerful or remotely interesting.
SECOND LIFE residents have been reassured that they do not need to purchase a forty-foot animated dragon, snake, serpent, lizard or other unnecessarily complicated mythical creature and attach it to their head.
Researchers reached the conclusion after studying several nightclubs where avatars could barely see the DJ because somebody called ๖ۣۜDΛЯK Ϯ ƧӨЦᄂ had arrived wearing what appeared to be the entire final level of a Japanese role-playing game.
“It was fucking enormous,” said clubgoer Maddie. “I think it was supposed to be a dragon, although at various points it looked like a snake, a Chinese parade costume and some sort of angry electrical extension lead. It went around his head, through his chest, over the dancefloor, behind the DJ booth and briefly disappeared through a woman called Destiny.”
The creature was also glowing purple, breathing smoke and periodically opening its mouth to reveal another smaller glowing object that nobody could adequately explain. Its owner nevertheless remained completely motionless in the middle of the dancefloor, apparently believing the enormous animated reptile was doing all the personality on his behalf.
Researchers say the accessories have become increasingly elaborate, with early examples consisting of a small dragon sitting discreetly on somebody's shoulder. This was apparently considered insufficient.
Manufacturers subsequently introduced larger versions which curled around the wearer's body, followed by serpents that rotated around the head, dragons that flew in circles and one recent product believed to involve three fucking lizards, a moon, some lightning and what might actually be Saturn.
“It’s an arms race,” explained virtual fashion analyst Saskia Vale. “Once somebody has a six-foot glowing snake around their neck, the next person needs an eighteen-foot dragon flying through their ribcage. Eventually somebody is going to teleport into Danceteria wearing fucking Godzilla.”
Wearers insist the creatures are an important form of self-expression and represent their inner darkness, spiritual power and connection with ancient mystical forces. Everybody else says they represent $L899 and an inability to leave well enough alone.
One resident attempted to explain that his enormous black serpent represented “the eternal cycle of death, rebirth and transformation.” Witnesses confirmed that it mainly represented not being able to see the fucking dancefloor.
“It kept going through my head,” said another resident. "Every four seconds this massive glowing snake came out of my forehead. I moved. It followed me. Eventually I realised it wasn't attached to me, so I moved again. Then another bloke arrived with one.”
Second Life clubs are now considering new rules requiring oversized mythical creatures to remain outside with horses, vehicles and people who turn up wearing wings with a seventeen-metre span. Some venues have proposed a maximum dragon circumference, although nobody has yet established which part of a dragon constitutes its circumference.
Meanwhile, researchers have issued simple guidance for residents considering buying one. “If you're looking at your avatar and thinking, something's missing,” they said, “the answer is almost certainly not a luminous fucking reptile doing laps around your head.”
At press time, ๖ۣۜDΛЯK Ϯ ƧӨЦᄂ had replaced his dragon with a considerably more tasteful accessory. Two dragons.