SECOND LIFE fashion designers have announced that elbow piercings will be the next big thing, following growing concerns that virtually every other part of the human body already has something hanging off it.
The breakthrough comes after years of increasingly desperate attempts to find somewhere new to attach rings, chains, studs, spikes and various bits of metal that would ordinarily be found in a branch of Screwfix.
"We've done noses, lips, eyebrows, tongues, nipples, belly buttons and every conceivable part of the human genitalia," explained fashion designer Luna Vex, whose latest collection includes a pair of industrial steel bolts passing directly through the wearer's elbows. "At some point you have to accept that the traditional holes are full."
The new range, entitled Joint Venture, features seventeen different elbow piercings, including a delicate silver hoop, a titanium spike, a decorative padlock and something resembling the fastening mechanism from a garden gate. One particularly elaborate design connects both elbows with a length of chain, effectively preventing the wearer from reaching their own face, although this has been described as a significant improvement by several nightclub owners.
Early adopters have already been spotted at various fashion events, standing with their arms slightly apart to prevent the jewellery from becoming entangled in their handbags, hair or the enormous animated dragon circling their heads. "It's about individuality," explained one customer, who was wearing exactly the same piercings as fourteen other women in the room. "Nobody else looks like me."
Industry experts believe the trend represents a natural progression from the current fashion for attaching so much metal to avatars that they resemble the contents of a kitchen drawer being emptied down a staircase. There are, however, concerns about the physical implications of elbow jewellery, with several animation developers warning that ordinary activities such as dancing, waving or putting a hand on one's hip could result in the wearer accidentally impaling three nearby residents.
One woman attempting the popular DJ1 animation reportedly hooked her elbow through her own ear, requiring assistance from two hosts and a customer wearing a welding mask.
Despite these concerns, designers are already investigating further opportunities, with kneecap rings, shoulder-blade studs and decorative screws through the Achilles tendon all understood to be in development. A premium range of spinal piercings is also being considered, allowing customers to replace their entire backbone with a chrome-plated curtain rail.
The Department for Seasonal Bullshit has welcomed the innovation and confirmed that Halloween versions featuring miniature pumpkins, dangling skeletons and rusty meat hooks will be available at a 40 per cent introductory discount. Meanwhile, one designer has reportedly begun experimenting with piercing the actual arsehole, only to abandon the project after discovering that the market was already completely saturated. "There's simply nowhere left to go," admitted Vex. "We've spent fifteen years putting metal through everything that moves, and most things that don't."
Meanwhile, one designer has announced plans to abandon traditional jewellery manufacturing entirely and begin sourcing future collections directly from Screwfix. "Frankly, they've got a much better range," she explained. "And their stainless steel coach bolts are considerably cheaper than anything at the Saturday Sale."