THE DEPARTMENT OF SEASONAL BULLSHIT has urged Second Life residents to “keep going” after confirming that the grid is finally approaching the end of its annual occupation by pumpkins, decorative cobwebs and women describing a bra as a costume. In a statement issued from a secure location containing absolutely no orange lighting, the department acknowledged that residents had endured a difficult period, during which almost every ordinary activity had been made unnecessarily fucking spooky.
“We know you’re tired,” said departmental spokeswoman Ruth Pemberton. “We know you’ve seen the same woman sitting on the same pumpkin in six different outfits. We know somebody has put a skeleton beside the DJ booth and is behaving as though they have personally reinvented entertainment. But you must hold on. We are nearly through.”
Under the department’s recovery timetable, Second Life will gradually become visible again as club owners remove the estimated fourteen million objects they felt were necessary to communicate the concept of October. Roads will reopen, dance floors will emerge from beneath piles of autumn leaves, and residents will once again be able to enter a venue without walking through the open mouth of a skull.
Spamfeed is also expected to clear, allowing users to discover whether anybody they follow has done anything in the past month besides stand in a graveyard with their tits out.
“Our modelling suggests that ordinary photographs could begin reappearing shortly after Halloween,” Pemberton explained. “Initially these may be difficult to recognise. Residents should look for images containing daylight, a colour other than orange, or a woman whose caption does not claim she is a little bit wicked. If you encounter one, remain calm. Nature is healing.”
The department has reserved particular praise for residents who have continued attending events despite being asked to dress as something frightening by a host whose year-round appearance already constitutes a fairly serious public order incident.
“These people have shown extraordinary resilience,” said Pemberton. “Some have attended eleven Halloween parties, each advertised as the ultimate Halloween party, without once asking why the ultimate one wasn’t sufficient. Others have typed ‘looking great hun’ beneath photographs of outfits they have already seen on eight other people. There are limits to what the human spirit should be expected to withstand.”
Residents have been advised that isolated pockets of Halloween may persist into November, particularly at venues where the owner has forgotten which objects belong to them and is reluctant to return everything in case it includes the floor. Anyone encountering a pumpkin after 7 November should avoid engaging with it and report the location to the department’s specialist Get This Shit Down (GTSD) unit.
Pemberton also asked residents to show sensitivity towards those struggling to let go, including one woman who has spent so much money on Halloween content that she now needs to be a sexually available witch until February to justify the expenditure. “She’s not ready,” Pemberton said. “We’ve offered her a cardigan. She’s hissed at it.”
The department has secured a forty-minute period between Halloween and Christmas during which residents will be permitted to experience an ordinary Sunday. Places are limited. A woman in antlers has already asked whether it was too early to start posting Christmas photographs. “Yes,” Pemberton replied. “And we’d have said the same if you’d asked on Christmas Eve”.