A SECOND LIFE resident has inadvertently become the world's leading collector of handheld torches after visiting a series of Halloween attractions where apparently nobody can be trusted to walk through a haunted house without being issued emergency lighting equipment. Marcus Grimshaw, 43, who originally intended to spend a pleasant evening looking at pumpkins and possibly being startled by a skeleton, now owns 47 torches, three lanterns, a miner's helmet and something described as a Paranormal Illumination Device. Every single one was handed to him at the entrance to a Halloween sim as part of what organisers insist is an immersive experience.
"It's always the same," explained Grimshaw. "You arrive somewhere called The Asylum of Eternal Screaming and there's a sign saying TAKE A FLASHLIGHT. So you take one, walk down a corridor, a door slams and a woman in a bloodstained nightdress runs past. Basically, you're a disposable character in Scooby-Doo. Except Fred isn't coming to rescue you and you've got 600 scripts attached to your wrist." Grimshaw initially assumed the torches would reveal hidden messages or sinister clues. Instead, most attractions are illuminated by approximately 900 glowing pumpkins, several hundred particle effects and a gigantic fluorescent sign reading WELCOME TO HELL. "One place told me to change my environment settings to Midnight Horror Ultra Dark. I couldn't see a fucking thing. Not even the torch."
Desperate to find a use for his collection, Grimshaw considered opening a torch museum, but abandoned the idea after somebody suggested giving visitors a complimentary torch on arrival. A recycling scheme was also proposed, involving collecting unwanted torches from residents and redistributing them to Halloween attractions, where they would immediately be handed back.
His most ambitious proposal involves becoming a lighthouse keeper, having discovered that Second Life contains considerably more lighthouses than actual ships. "Every coastal property has one. You can't buy a bit of beachfront without somebody sticking a fucking lighthouse on it. But I've been here seventeen years and seen about four boats, and three were permanently moored." Grimshaw plans to install all 47 torches on a rotating wooden platform inside an abandoned lighthouse. Local residents have questioned the necessity of the project, pointing out that there is virtually no maritime traffic and most Second Life boats can travel directly through solid objects anyway. "Last week I watched a yacht sail through a harbour wall, across somebody's living room and into a shopping event," he explained. "Nobody even slowed down."
His attempts to establish a foghorn were abandoned after discovering the neighbouring region already contained seventeen continuously barking dogs, a full-scale Millennium Falcon and a woman playing Enya on a parcel stream. Nevertheless, he hopes to establish a network of volunteer lighthouse keepers across the grid. "Obviously we'd need more ships," he admitted. "But I think we should get the lighthouses sorted first."
The controversy has attracted the attention of the Department for Seasonal Bullshit, which confirmed that distributing unnecessary torches formed part of its annual Immersive Seasonal Experience Initiative, alongside compulsory pumpkin placement, excessive fog generation and ensuring every abandoned hospital contains a small girl standing motionless at the end of a corridor. "Without the torches, residents might realise they're simply walking around somebody's poorly furnished parcel while a scripted chaise-longue occasionally shouts BOO," explained a spokesperson. The department has promised a comprehensive review in November, immediately before beginning its Christmas programme of distributing complimentary snow globes, reindeer antlers and mugs of hot chocolate that cannot be drunk.
"We take seasonal immersion extremely seriously," the spokesperson added. "Our job is to ensure nobody visits a themed attraction without leaving with at least six completely fucking useless objects." Grimshaw has since returned to the first haunted attraction to ask whether he could hand back his collection, explaining that he now owns enough lighting equipment to illuminate the entire Blake Sea and still has nowhere to put it. The owner refused, explaining that the torches were essential to the immersive experience, could not be returned and were absolutely necessary to maintain the atmosphere of terror. "Besides," she added, "we'd have got away with it too, if it wasn't for you meddling pricks."