SECOND LIFE couples have welcomed a major technological breakthrough after developers of the popular OhNo partner HUD announced that two people may soon be able to dance together without spending the first forty-five minutes looking like they're operating separate fairground attractions.
The announcement follows years of complaints from couples who have invested thousands of Linden dollars in romantic animation systems, only to discover that one partner is dancing a waltz while the other appears to be trying to escape an invisible washing machine. "We've made enormous progress," explained an OhNo spokesperson. "Previously, couples could spend an entire evening attempting to synchronise their animations. We're now confident that most users will be able to achieve something resembling physical coordination within an hour, provided neither person moves, teleports, changes their outfit, receives a message or accidentally touches anything."
The HUDs, which offer hundreds of supposedly romantic animations, have become particularly popular among couples determined to demonstrate the depth of their relationship to everyone within a thirty-metre radius. Among the most popular are the sickeningly cute dancing animations, in which the man stands directly behind the woman, both facing the same direction, gently swaying from side to side in a routine involving approximately as much physical exertion as waiting for a lift. The woman occasionally tilts her head backwards to gaze lovingly at her partner, while he rests his chin on her shoulder and wraps his arms around her waist. Every few seconds she raises a hand to stroke his face, a movement which, thanks to the animation's questionable positioning, frequently results in her poking him directly in the eye.
The entire performance resembles a hostage situation in which both parties have developed romantic feelings for one another. "I just wanted to listen to some music," explained clubgoer Donna Nightingale, 54. "Instead, I've spent twenty minutes watching a woman slowly sway in front of a man while repeatedly attempting to blind him. At one point he kissed the back of her head. I nearly called the police."
Other routines include the man lifting his partner into his arms, throwing her over his shoulder, spinning her around like a malfunctioning fairground ride and standing motionless while she performs an elaborate sequence of movements apparently designed to establish whether her spine is still attached. There are also animations for virtually every conceivable romantic situation, including a man dutifully holding his girlfriend's handbag while she urinates in a kerbside grid, and another supporting his partner through an unfortunate incident involving excessive alcohol and a nightclub toilet. The developers insist these routines represent genuine romance rather than a desperate attempt to justify charging L$3,000 for what is essentially a collection of increasingly improbable human movements.
However, the greatest challenge remains synchronisation. Users report that pressing the sync button frequently causes one partner to restart their animation while the other continues uninterrupted, resulting in the woman being passionately embraced by a man who is now standing three metres behind her. Repeated attempts to correct the problem can produce even more disturbing results, including couples kissing the backs of each other's heads, embracing empty space or performing an intimate slow dance while facing opposite directions.
"We've had reports of people spending an entire DJ set trying to get the cuddle animation working," admitted the spokesperson. "By the time they've managed it, the club has closed, the DJ has gone home and one of them has blocked the other." Despite these difficulties, OhNo remains optimistic about the future, with plans to introduce several new animations featuring couples sharing an ice cream, exchanging butterfly kisses and staring into each other's eyes for so long that one of them should probably seek medical attention. The company has also confirmed that its next major update will include an emergency button allowing nearby residents to separate excessively affectionate couples with a large industrial crowbar.
In a successful field test yesterday, one couple finally managed to synchronise their animations after just 57 minutes. Unfortunately, by then, neither of them was speaking to the other.