SECOND LIFE WOMAN BUYS VIRTUAL EVIDENCE OF SEX LIFE SHE DOESN'T HAVE
A SECOND LIFE resident has installed an "It's All Yours" Kum System in the belief that it makes her appear irresistibly erotic, despite looking almost exactly like somebody who has been assaulted by a family-sized trifle.
Rektalia Prolapze, 58, purchased the system after deciding that her existing collection of enormous breasts, revealing clothing, animated genitalia and a profile describing herself as a "sensual, passionate goddess" did not sufficiently communicate her sexual availability to the wider Second Life community. The system allows her to decorate various parts of her avatar with simulated bodily fluids, creating what Rektalia describes as an intensely provocative appearance and what everybody else describes as the aftermath of an unfortunate incident at a children's birthday party.
"It's about celebrating my sexuality," explained Rektalia, who spent nearly an hour admiring the effect across her avatar before declaring herself completely satisfied. "I want people to look at me and immediately understand that I'm a confident, adventurous woman who isn't afraid to express her deepest desires." People looking at her immediately understood that somebody had apparently thrown a pudding at her.
The true extent of Rektalia's sophisticated erotic identity remained largely unnoticed until fellow resident Martin Pemberton accidentally right-clicked her while attempting to inspect something behind her. The resulting selection outline revealed an enormous, previously invisible attachment extending across her entire body, its elaborate contours suggesting that somebody had painstakingly constructed a three-dimensional model of a trifle shortly after dropping it down a flight of stairs. "Good heavens," said Martin, who had expected to see an ordinary object menu and was instead confronted with the glowing outline of what appeared to be an entire family dessert suspended around a woman.
Rektalia explained that this was her "It's All Yours" Kum System, a sophisticated, preconfigured adult attachment designed to give the impression of having recently enjoyed an extraordinarily enthusiastic sexual encounter. Martin rotated his camera and examined the outline more closely. "I thought somebody had thrown a trifle at you," he admitted. "I didn't realise you'd been used to stir it."
EROTIC SOPHISTICATION
Rektalia insists the "It's All Yours" Kum System represents an important advance in virtual erotic expression, allowing residents to display the physical evidence of sexual encounters without having to undergo the considerable inconvenience of actually finding somebody willing to participate in one. "It's incredibly realistic," she explained. "The textures, the way it catches the light, the way it sits on the skin. It's all designed to create a very specific erotic impression." Martin agreed that it caught the light beautifully, although he pointed out that this was also a fairly standard characteristic of custard.
Martin spent several minutes attempting to establish whether Rektalia had been sexually active or had recently fallen face-first into the dessert counter at a Toby Carvery. "I thought it was custard at first," Martin explained. "Then I noticed what looked like a bit of cream near her ear, and I started wondering whether there might be sponge underneath." Rektalia dismissed his observations as the predictable reaction of somebody incapable of appreciating sophisticated adult sexuality. "It's not supposed to look like a dessert," she insisted. Martin agreed that this was probably the intention.
ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY
Manufacturers have invested considerable time and resources developing increasingly elaborate Second Life adult attachments capable of interacting with mesh bodies, clothing, animations and other scripted systems. The "It's All Yours" Kum System offers a preconfigured arrangement of simulated ejaculate distributed across the avatar, allowing residents to achieve the appearance of an extraordinarily enthusiastic sexual encounter without the inconvenience of having to organise one.
Rektalia spent L$2,800 on the system and a further forty-five minutes admiring what she described as a "natural, freshly ravished appearance". The resulting configuration bore a remarkable resemblance to a woman who had been asked to carry a large bowl of sherry trifle across a particularly slippery kitchen floor. "It's about the details," Rektalia explained. "The distribution, the textures, the overall effect. It's all designed to create something incredibly realistic." Martin achieved approximately the same visual effect by sneezing into a bowl of wallpaper paste and falling face-first into it.
The system's sophisticated visual effects were particularly impressive, allowing Rektalia to maintain the appearance of having recently participated in an extraordinarily enthusiastic sexual encounter even while standing perfectly still and discussing the weather. Unfortunately, certain lighting conditions made the effect considerably less convincing, leaving her looking as though she had been partially glazed by a distracted pastry chef.
A PERSONAL JOURNEY
Rektalia maintains that her decision to wear the system represents an important milestone in her journey towards sexual self-expression. During her ordinary life in Doncaster, where she works part-time in a garden centre, she feels constrained by society's expectations and unable to express the passionate, uninhibited woman she believes herself to be. "In Second Life, I can finally be my authentic self," she explained. "I don't have to hide my desires. I don't have to apologise for being sensual. I can present myself exactly as I want to be seen." Unfortunately, the way she wanted to be seen was almost indistinguishable from the way somebody might look after being struck in the face with the contents of a supermarket dessert aisle.
"Some women are frightened of their own sexuality," Rektalia continued. "I'm not. I want people to see me and think, there's a woman who knows exactly what she wants." Martin said he had initially assumed she wanted a napkin. Her friend Yvette Caldera defended the decision, insisting that residents should be free to explore their sexuality without judgement. "People are so quick to criticise what they don't understand," she said. "Rektalia is a beautiful, confident woman who is completely comfortable with her body." Martin, who had been studying the attachment more closely, asked whether the system came with a spoon.
THE INCIDENT
The situation deteriorated when Rektalia attended a small gathering at the home of Lucinda Vale, where several residents had assembled for an evening of conversation. Her arrival immediately interrupted a discussion about landscaping when Marianne Voss noticed what appeared to be a substantial quantity of dairy produce distributed across her body. "Oh dear," said Marianne. "Have you had an accident?" Rektalia explained that she had not had an accident and that the substance was, in fact, a sophisticated adult attachment intended to communicate her sexual confidence.
Marianne examined her more closely. "Is that supposed to be cream?" she asked. "No," replied Rektalia. "It's supposed to be erotic." Marianne considered this explanation for a moment before replying, "Right. Only it looks exactly like cream." Rektalia patiently explained the purpose of the system, its various settings and the empowering nature of openly displaying simulated evidence of sexual activity. Marianne listened carefully before asking whether the small white patch near Rektalia's left eyebrow was supposed to be a piece of meringue. "It's not a pudding," Rektalia snapped. "Well, somebody ought to tell the pudding."
Rektalia immediately accused the gathering of kink-shaming, announced that she would no longer tolerate people who refused to respect her sexual identity and teleported home. She subsequently decided that the problem was not the system itself but the inability of other residents to appreciate sophisticated adult expression. Martin said the overall effect still looked like a roulade that had been involved in a motorway collision.
A QUESTION OF DESIRE
Rektalia subsequently contacted the manufacturer to complain that, despite spending L$2,800 on a system designed to make her look as though she had been sexually irresistible to dozens of men, she had yet to attract the attention of a single one. The manufacturer confirmed that the system was functioning correctly and that the absence of interested men was not considered a technical fault.
Rektalia demanded a refund, explaining that she had paid to look like a woman who had been overwhelmed by sexual attention, not somebody who had been pushed face-first into the dessert trolley at a wake.
The manufacturer advised her that, regrettably, the software could only simulate the aftermath of being desired. It could do nothing about the fact that she wasn't.