Despite two decades of technological advancement, increasingly sophisticated graphics and millions of hours of painstaking development, nobody in Second Life has yet managed to create a rock that doesn't look like a slightly melted potato.
SECOND LIFE is facing renewed questions about its technological progress after researchers confirmed that, almost twenty years into the platform's existence, residents are still unable to produce a convincing rock. The findings follow an extensive survey of beaches, mountains, gardens, waterfalls and approximately 14 million landscaped parcels, all of which appear to contain the same six rocks, variously stretched, rotated, enlarged and partially buried in the ground in the hope that nobody notices. "It's extraordinary," said virtual geologist Dr Simon Gravel. "We've got realistic skin, moving hair, anatomically detailed genitalia and sophisticated lighting systems capable of simulating atmospheric scattering. But ask someone to make a small piece of granite and they'll give you something resembling a baked potato that's been kicked down the stairs."
Researchers believe the problem dates back to the earliest days of Second Life, when rocks were constructed from enormous grey prims with vaguely rounded edges. The introduction of sculpties promised a revolution, but merely resulted in enormous grey objects that looked like potatoes wrapped in cling film. Mesh was expected to solve the problem permanently. Instead, it allowed designers to produce rocks with 87,000 polygons, 14 separate textures and a land impact of 46, which still looked like potatoes, albeit ones that required a £3,000 graphics card to render. The arrival of PBR materials has only made matters worse. Rocks can now reflect light with extraordinary accuracy, allowing residents to admire the realistic sheen of something that still bears absolutely no resemblance to a rock.
Landscape designers have defended their work, pointing out that rocks are particularly difficult to recreate because of their irregular shapes, complex surfaces and natural imperfections. Critics have responded by pointing out that actual rocks manage to achieve all three without charging L$399 for a fatpack. The Marketplace currently offers thousands of products described as "ULTRA REALISTIC ROCK", "PHOTOREALISTIC BOULDER" and "ULTIMATE MESH STONE COLLECTION", many featuring photographs of actual rocks on their advertising boards to distract customers from the objects they're about to purchase.
One designer insisted that their latest collection represented a major breakthrough. "We've spent six months perfecting the textures, normal maps and environmental response. These are the most realistic rocks ever seen in Second Life." The collection was subsequently discovered to consist of four slightly different potatoes, one of which had moss on it. Meanwhile, Linden Lab has reportedly declined to comment on whether future improvements to the graphics engine might finally resolve the issue, although sources suggest that rock realism is not currently considered a development priority. Dr Gravel remains optimistic, insisting that one day a resident will look at a rock in Second Life and genuinely believe they're looking at a rock.
In the meantime, a designer has announced the release of a revolutionary new 32-piece collection of photorealistic coastal boulders, available in six colours, three sizes and two seasonal moss variants. The promotional photograph shows a real rock, although the product itself resembles a jacket potato suffering from a particularly aggressive skin condition. The designer has dismissed criticism, insisting that anyone who understands the complexities of three-dimensional modelling would appreciate the extraordinary amount of work involved in recreating a naturally occurring geological formation.
Meanwhile, in the real world, a six-year-old playing with bright blue Play-Doh has managed to produce a more convincing rock in approximately three minutes than the entire Second Life creative industry has achieved in twenty years. The child has since been offered a lucrative Marketplace contract, having already demonstrated a considerably better understanding of geology than most of its established designers.