A SECOND LIFE resident has become medically incapable of conducting an ordinary conversation after spending fourteen years communicating almost exclusively through pre-recorded sound effects, animated text and a collection of increasingly unbearable gestures.
Lorraine Pemberton, 53, who is known in-world as Destiny Sparkle, first noticed something was wrong when a cashier at Tesco wished her a pleasant afternoon and she responded by shouting "AIRHORN!!!!!" while instinctively reaching for a keyboard that wasn't there.
The incident, which left three shoppers visibly distressed and a security guard reconsidering his career, is believed to be the first documented case of Advanced Gesture Dependency Syndrome, a condition affecting residents who have spent so long substituting human interaction with noises recorded by Americans in 2007 that they have forgotten how to construct a sentence.
"I just can't find the words any more," explained Lorraine, before suddenly screaming "OH HELL YEAHHHHHH!" in the voice of a nineteen-year-old Californian woman. "I used to be quite articulate. I worked in accounts. Now somebody asks me how I am and all I can think of is a cartoon wolf howling followed by the sound of breaking glass."
Her family first became concerned during Sunday lunch when Lorraine attempted to compliment her daughter's cooking by standing up, throwing both arms into the air and repeatedly shouting "YOU GO GIRRRRRL!" before making a noise resembling a pneumatic drill being fed through a washing machine.
"She does it at everything," explained her daughter, Rebecca, 27. "You tell her you've passed your driving test and she screams 'PARTYYYYYYYY!' You tell her the dog's died and she shouts 'AWWWWWW SNAP!' Last week Dad told her his cholesterol was dangerously high and she made a noise like a machine gun."
Lorraine's husband, Graham, says their marriage has deteriorated considerably since his wife began replacing normal conversation with an imaginary inventory of 1,400 gestures, most of which appear to have been recorded through a sock.
"I asked her whether she wanted a cup of tea and she shouted 'HELL TO THE NO!' followed by a toilet flushing," he explained. "Ten minutes later she complained that I hadn't made her one. Apparently I'd activated the wrong gesture."
Medical specialists believe Lorraine's condition has been aggravated by years of attending virtual nightclubs, where meaningful communication is actively discouraged in favour of typing enormous coloured letters across the screen while an audio clip informs everyone within thirty metres that somebody is feeling sexy.
"These people haven't had an actual conversation since 2013," explained behavioural psychologist Dr Simon Hargreaves. "Their entire vocabulary consists of 'WOOT', 'HUGGLES', 'LMFAO' and noises stolen from films they've never seen. One patient was unable to tell me his name without shouting 'LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!' and producing a picture of a dancing banana."
Attempts to rehabilitate Lorraine have so far proved unsuccessful. During a supervised conversation with a therapist, she was asked to describe how she felt about her childhood and responded by shouting "BOOM SHAKALAKA!" seventeen times before attempting to trigger an animation that would make her fall backwards off the chair.
A particularly troubling incident occurred at a funeral last Thursday, when Lorraine approached the grieving widow, opened her mouth to offer condolences and instead screamed "WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?" at a volume normally associated with aircraft taking off.
She was asked to leave after attempting to follow it with a wolf whistle.
Despite growing concern, Lorraine insists she is perfectly capable of returning to normal conversation whenever she chooses, and has accused her family of exaggerating the problem.
"People need to lighten up," she said. "I'm still the same person I've always been. I just express myself differently."
She then raised both arms above her head, shouted "IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!" and made the sound of an explosion.
Her husband has since moved into the spare bedroom, where he has reportedly enjoyed the first uninterrupted silence of their marriage in fourteen years.
Lorraine has described his decision as "EPIC FAIL", accompanied by an air horn and a man shouting "SAD TROMBONE".
Graham has now applied for a divorce, although proceedings have been delayed after Lorraine responded to the solicitor's letter with a 45-second recording of somebody shouting "DENIED!" followed by the sound of a goat being sick.